Sunday, August 11, 2013

Words I cannot and will not use in a manuscript.

Before you read on, I’d like to mention that there is some crudity ahead. Please stop here if you find genital slang offensive.

I’m loving my mandatory reading period every day, because it makes me a better writer (hopefully) and, well, I just love to read. I came across a sentence that just made me shudder and whisper ‘No,’ loudly to the room. This got me thinking of phrases or words I can’t type.

I'm sure there’s a few here that have come up in lists before. But here’s my starter for ten.

Or any forms of the word. I read a description of a man thinking a woman smelled all yeasty. Yeasty! My first thought was ‘Oh, dear lord the poor thing. She’s probably itching up a storm right now.’ If hub’s whispered that I smelt ‘yeasty’ I’d be down at the CVS in the feminine hygiene aisle, buying gallons of flower scented fluid. I’m sure the writer probably thought crusty just baked bread, but that wasn't my first impression, so yeast and all its forms. Goneski.

A perfectly normal part of the anatomy, but I can’t think of a way to make that sound remotely sexy. I have to say in one of my many typos, I sent out a family email mentioning that I’d taken hubs and the kids to Anus Steak House and we'd had a ball.  Go the missing G. Yes, I'm still living that down.

I know, I know. Love it, hate it. It’s one of those words and I read it a lot, I just can’t use. I never think to myself ‘I have to go pantie shopping,’ or ‘those panties would look awesome on my ninety year old nan. Good Lord! No. For me, no, no, no. I have a perfectly good selection of underwear.

Come for me
Uttered by a man in the throes. If I was told to come for him on demand, I couldn’t. Then I’d get anxious and we’d still be there fifteen hours later, which in our advanced years is never a good thing. Every time a man whispers this, whoop, off she goes and collapses around him a second later. I've never read where a woman whispers that to her man. I wonder why?

I once read ‘he placed himself in my canal.’ My what? My canal like I’m the Suez? That’s about as romantic as taking me to where Dexter buries his bodies and asking me if I’d like to do a spot of snorkelling. He placed himself  for me is actually just as hideous. Does the writer mean all of him or is the himself another word for the good old bloke. Speaking of the good old bloke. The following will never make an appearance in any of my books. There will be no Giggle-Sticks, Tallywhacker's, Mr. Winky’s, Big Dick and the Twins, Russell the Love Muscle, Bobby Dangler and Purple-headed Womb Broom will never see the light of day.

 While I’m on a roll, Lady Garden will never be typed nor will Squeeze Box, anything related to a tunnel,  canal or cave. Cha-Cha, Bat Cave (how I ask does bat get a look in?) Bald Man in a Boat (really…), Mossy Cleft, Ba-chonka, Poontang or Quim.

Are there any words or phrases that make you cringe?


  1. Appreciated the warning, warnings just make me want to read further....yeah I'm like that.

    1. I hope I didn't offend you, Sheila. Apologies if I did.

  2. "Purple-headed womb broom"? If I read that, I would shoot Pinot Noir through my nose. In fact, I did.

    In all honesty, I'm guilty of some of these, (e.g. "Take off those panties and come for me!"), but, in the interest of sitting in my glass house and throwing stones, I'll add "beaver," and "the pink canoe" to the list. ;)

    1. Honey, you write gold. I shiver in all the very right places reading Lover Undercover and Private Practice. Love your words. Love they make me all shivery.

      'Pink canoe'! Lordy! I don't know what to say. I'm with you on 'beaver.' I'm not a big fan of 'Growler' either.

  3. I'm laughing so hard right now, I may blow coffee through my nose. You hit the nail on the head, sister. These words take me out of a scene like they take me out of the mood. Can't use 'em, just sayin'!

    1. Thanks so much for stopping by, Cindy. Don't they make you cringe? I have to say Russell the Love Muscle made me laugh. I don't think that was the intention though!

  4. Hayson,
    You're back on the blog! Yay!

    Anus Steakhouse. Does one order a flank steak there? I'd love to see the menu and side items. Priceless! At least you know people read your email, right?

    My words:
    There's absolutely nothing wrong, or unsexy about underwear. I happen to love the term. I believe I grew out of "panties" when the lace on the butt started to itch. I believe I was eight years old, and "graduated" to underwear.

    References to anything that may need a seismologist, like "hot core," are right out. Magma does not turn me on, especially if it might be "gushing." I have no desire to find out what a "hot core" feels like. Am I the only one who remembers the movie "Silkwood?"

    If I see a "manroot" or a "member," coming towards me, I will either whip out an axe or turn them in to the Cult Awareness Network. Fair warning.

    "Lady garden of pleasure" makes me smile, so I use it to depict a fun, mystical place that requires careful consideration before admittance is granted. :) It's been a while since I seen a "bearded clam," though. I must not be reading enough pirate stories. LOL

    Great topic!

    1. My Michelle!

      Thanks so much for popping over. As always you've given me food for thought. I too have the whipper snipper out and ready to cut down any and all 'manroots' and 'members.' I did read about a 'throbbing cock sock' once which had me howling with laughter.

      The old Anus Steakhouse still comes up at Christmas again... Love the flank steak comment. That's gold there!

      I remember Silkwood. That wasn't a hot core you wanted!

      I'm totally with you on panties vs. underwear. Just not for me.

      Big hugs to you!

  5. I'm still laughing as I write this! Holy-moly how could anyone use any of these words. My pet hate is manhood and for magma....yikes who would be making out on a volcano? Well said and I hate the word panties...I know I'm old fashioned but the only word worse is bloomers!

    1. Thanks so much for stopping by, Shirley. Yes, I have to say manhood is up there (so to speak). I shudder on maidenhead and bloomers is about as sexy as fungus isn't it!


  6. Ha ha ha, Hayson! YES. Just, yes.

    Thanks for the giggle and the proof that I'm not alone with the giggles as I read these terms.

    Writing those words? Ain't happening. As for reading, I'm a huge bookaholic, too, and see these all the time. For most all I do is cringe and carry on. That won't be happening if I ever stumble upon Purple-headed womb broom!! *snort*

    Thanks for the laugh, girl!

    1. Rachel!
      What's scary is I think women authors have written 'purple-headed womb broom'. Mind you, I bet there's a proud dude named 'Russell' ever so pleased his peen is immortalized as a love muscle.

      Thanks for stopping by!
      Hayson xx

  7. Hayson, I felt my vagina flinch at the word yeasty. LOL!

    I agree with your words you dislike and would like to add "Cray-Cray" and "Va-jay-jay"

    on a completely different end of the spectrum, I find often in the Christian fiction my husbands grandmother asks me to read that they over candy-coat things. I was reading one such book and during the rape scene a cop busts in and yells "reach for the sky!" I couldn't stop thinking of Woody from Toy Story and it ruined the scene. Excuse me, but even as a Christian writer I don't mind hearing the more realistic "Hands were I can see them Mother Fucker!"

    1. OMG. I fell off my chair laughing thinking of Toy Story and Woody (it just gets better). Yeah, I'm with you on realistic dialogue. "Reach for the sky," shouted by a cop when he's bursting into a room doesn't feel realistic at all.

      In this day and age I think we're a bit more desensitized to language. I know that's not goodWe see so much reality TV that the cop's quote is laughable.

      "Cray-Cray" is added to the list. "Va-jay-jay" has always been on it. Shudder.

      Thanks so much for stopping by and commenting.

      Hayson xx

  8. Hayson -- I went to your site to find a contact email for you and had to click on your blog when I saw the teaser. This is a riot! It almost makes me want to give up sex, because I'd be laughing too hard to do anything worthwhile! One small point: I do love the smell of freshly-baked bread, though it doesn't make me feel sexy - just hungry!

    1. Susan, thanks so much for stopping by. I'm with you on the bread. Nothing beats 'just out of the oven' bread with peanut butter (crunchy only for this gal). My go to sandwich. Never related to body parts, ever, I say.

  9. Canal? Seriously? *shudder* That's just... Ick! And so is "yeast"!

    Sarah @ Kitties Like Books Too

    1. Thanks so much for stopping by.

      I know right? Canal? It was a female author as well. Yeasty? Lordy, no.

      Hayson x