Words I cannot and will not use in a manuscript.
Before you read
on, I’d like to mention that there is some crudity ahead. Please stop here if
you find genital slang offensive.
I’m loving my
mandatory reading period every day, because it makes me a better writer
(hopefully) and, well, I just love to read. I came across a sentence that just
made me shudder and whisper ‘No,’ loudly to the room. This got me thinking of
phrases or words I can’t type.
I'm sure there’s
a few here that have come up in lists before. But here’s my starter for ten.
Yeast
Or any forms of
the word. I read a description of a man thinking a woman smelled all yeasty.
Yeasty! My first thought was ‘Oh, dear lord the poor thing. She’s probably
itching up a storm right now.’ If hub’s whispered that I smelt ‘yeasty’ I’d be
down at the CVS in the feminine hygiene aisle, buying gallons of flower scented
fluid. I’m sure the writer probably thought crusty just baked bread, but that
wasn't my first impression, so yeast and all its forms. Goneski.
Anus
A perfectly
normal part of the anatomy, but I can’t think of a way to make that sound
remotely sexy. I have to say in one of my many typos, I sent out a family email
mentioning that I’d taken hubs and the kids to Anus Steak House and we'd had a ball. Go the missing G. Yes, I'm still living that down.
Panties
I know, I know.
Love it, hate it. It’s one of those words and I read it a lot, I just can’t
use. I never think to myself ‘I have to go pantie shopping,’ or ‘those panties
would look awesome on my ninety year old nan. Good Lord! No. For me, no, no,
no. I have a perfectly good selection of underwear.
Come for me
Uttered by a man
in the throes. If I was told to come for him on demand, I couldn’t. Then I’d
get anxious and we’d still be there fifteen hours later, which in our advanced
years is never a good thing. Every time a man whispers this, whoop, off she
goes and collapses around him a second later. I've never read where a woman
whispers that to her man. I wonder why?
Canal
I once read ‘he
placed himself in my canal.’ My what? My canal like I’m the Suez? That’s about
as romantic as taking me to where Dexter buries his bodies and asking me if I’d
like to do a spot of snorkelling. He
placed himself for me is actually
just as hideous. Does the writer mean all of him or is the himself another word for the good old bloke. Speaking of the good
old bloke. The following will never make an appearance in any of my books.
There will be no Giggle-Sticks, Tallywhacker's, Mr. Winky’s, Big Dick and the
Twins, Russell the Love Muscle, Bobby Dangler and Purple-headed Womb Broom will
never see the light of day.
While I’m on a roll, Lady Garden will never be
typed nor will Squeeze Box, anything related to a tunnel, canal or cave. Cha-Cha, Bat Cave (how I ask
does bat get a look in?) Bald Man in a Boat (really…), Mossy Cleft, Ba-chonka, Poontang
or Quim.
Are there any
words or phrases that make you cringe?
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| Mmmmm.Yeasty |
